Welcome back to the Tuddy Take in 2016! We’re all a little older, a little wiser. Hopefully in Fantasy, you’re a little richer. There are only 8 teams still standing this season so let’s break down some of the biggest keys to victory and questions that may come up when you’re watching from your couch this weekend.
GREEN BAY PACKERS AT ARIZONA CARDINALS- Saturday 8:15 ET
How Green Bay Wins: Dark Lord Rodgers slices off Carson’s arm with a light saber. Dark Lord Rodgers throws Tuddy after Tuddy for 60 minutes. Carson Palmer injures himself after a reporter asks him, “What scares you about Green Bay’s defense?” and he laughs so hard he herniates a disc. Green Bay gets a MONSTER-OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD game from James Starks. The Tuddy Guys could mention Eddie Lacy but chances are Eddie’s eating right now and we don’t want to disturb him by bringing him up.
How Arizona Wins: Keep doing ‘Zona things. Bruce Arian things. What does that entail? It means that Carson and Co. keep coming, drive after drive, weapon after weapon. It’s pretty sweet when Malcom Floyd is a 4th option on offense. Rookie David Johnson is a future Tuddy machine. The road could be smoothed out if the Cardinals D can take advantage of a banged up Green Bay offensive line but the offense has enough to win the day.
WEIRD STAT: Of the bottom 5 teams in total team tackles this season, four of them made the playoffs. Now one could argue that having less tackles would be a bad thing. But maybe it says something else: ball possession and holding your opponent to a limited amount of plays. Here’s your top 5 (and I love who’s the black sheep of the group) 1. Arizona (914) 2. Kansas City (934) 3. THE CHICAGO FUCKING BEARS (942) 4. Seattle (975) 5. Green Bay (979).
ONE MORE…..Of the top 13 teams in points allowed per game, 12 of them made the playoffs. The lone wolf? The New York Jets, who blew a chance at the playoffs with a loss in Week 17.
VERDICT: This game will come down to ball possession and the Cardinals are too good, too deep and too smart in regards to their coaching staff. Green Bay ends a bittersweet season in the desert.
CARDINALS 34 PACKERS 23
PITTSBURGH STEELERS AT DENVER BRONCOS- Sunday 4:40 ET
How the Steelers Win:
The Broncos have thrown 23 picks, most in the regular season. Peyton’s thrown 17 of them. In Week 14, the Steelers beat the Broncos 34-27. How’d yinz do it you might ask? Big Ben and Antonio “What It Is” Brown making sweet music together and a timely INT from the defense. A Steelers D that creates turnovers is the french fries to a Primanti sandwich. Simply put, it’s a must to success. It’s more critical than ever that the D steps up, especially with the dynamic duo banged up.
If Antonio Brown is out can the Steelers win? Yes. If Big Ben doesn’t play? Forget it. But The Tuddy Guys pick Big Ben to play and Markus Wheaton, Heath Miller and Darius Heyward Bey pick up the slack if A.B. sits out. Heath Miller is an X-Factor, hauling catch after catch on 3rd downs.
What percent of Big Ben’s body will he be able to feel on Sunday?
The Tuddy Guys are going with 12.36%. Everything from the chin down will be surging with jacked-up, pain killing, nothingness. Look into his eyes in the second quarter I think you will see Big Ben achieve Siddartha’s stasis of Ohm.
How the Broncos Win:
The Broncos are fresh. The Steelers have just completed a back alley brawl. The Steelers QB has torn right shoulder ligaments, their best WR has a concussion and they’re down to their 3rd and 4th string RB’s. The Broncos are at home and the #1 seed. Peyton’s knocks out some early scoring drives and the defense feeds off the offensive surge. If this team has to play catch up in the second half, they will be in trouble. The first half of this game is crucial to the Broncos. Peyton controls the clock, tosses a couple Tuddy’s and has one last great Gridiron moment.
If/when Peyton throws 2 first half picks, what will be the top 5 most likely Brock Osweiller reactions?
5. Pukes on himself
4. Skips up and down the sidelines singing a parody version of Twisted Sisters “I want to rock!” but inserting his first name into it.
3. Animated stretching and jumping jacks
2. Use ‘Making a Murderer’ as a conversation ice breaker with Coach Kubiak and then casually slip in a, “So what’s up with Peyton?” followed by a “Who farted face?” and points in Peyton’s direction.
1. Immediately just starts spinning a football and breathing sweet hot air down Kubiak’s neck.
VERDICT: The Steelers have played this game before and The Tuddy Guys actually think, as a whole team, the street fight with the Bengals has them more focused than ever. Peyton just can’t sustain efficient offense for 60 minutes and the Steelers make enough plays to win.
STEELERS 20 BRONCOS 16
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT CAROLINA PANTHERS- Sunday 1:05 ET
What happened last time?
Way back in Week 6, Cam drove two drives for 80 + yards in the 4th quarter culminating in Greg Olsen slipping past Richard Sherman and scoring a Tuddy with :32 seconds left for a 27-23 victory. Back then Russell Wilson was Fantasy pedestrian (despite 300 all purpose yards vs. Panthers). Now he’s a top 3 Fantasy QB. By the way Fantasy Freaks, 140 of those yards when to Jimmy Graham……… Jimmy fucking Graham. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go outside and scream into the night.
What’s happening now?
When Doug Baldwin played Carolina, he had 2 Tuddy’s for the season. He’s scored 12 since, plus 11 in the final 9 games. He’s kind of hot right now.
Cam Newton has scored 45 Tuddys this year, 35 through the air. So………FORTY FIVE!!!!
How the Seahawks win:
Take their experience and make the plays when it matters most. I know that sounds vague but consider this FUN STAT: The Seahawks converted 8 of 9 on 4th downs this season (88.9%). On defense, they’ve stopped teams on 4th down 6 out of 7 times. Both were tops in the NFL this season. In a close game like this, this stat is something that should give Seahawks fans hope. That and the fact that Russell Wilson is one of the best in the game at extending plays and turning something into nothing. There is one other QB who’s prittyyy good at that too…….
How the Panthers Win:
Oh yeah! The MVP!!! Cam Newton has been pretty too. Pretty fucking fantastic. He’s Big Ben and Russell combined. But can the supporting cast around him step up? The Tuddy Guys say the Panthers’ sum of their parts create game changing problems versus any defense in the NFL. The Panthers get a Tuddy from Ginn Jr. or Funchess and their D snatches a crucial 4th quarter pick to seal it and end the Seahawks NFC Championship reign.
VERDICT: By far the toughest game to predict of the weekend, The Tuddy Guys are tired of betting against Cam Newton and think it’s time for a new star to be born. This is the game of the weekend.
PANTHERS 34 SEAHAWKS 30
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS- Saturday 4:35 ET
How the Chiefs Win:
Kansas City dials up the blitz and rattles Brady. They complete third downs like Renee Zellweger completes Jerry Maguire. They run the ball, control the clock and hold the Patriots under 23 points. They score more than 12+ points in the first half. Gronk takes a hit and is ‘Questionable’ to return for a significant part of the game. Jeremy Maclin becomes a local hero by playing at 70% and making a difference with a second half Tuddy. Alex Smith uses his legs to move the chains, extend drives and the field goals stack up.
How the Patriots Win:
They score more than 23 points. They score 30 +. The defense stops the run and holds K.C. to field goals. The full cast of weapons opens up Brady to hit Gronk (if healthy) for some huge plays down the middle. Belichick sneakily slips out Andy Reid’s laminated play placards for Denny’s menus (and Andy Reid’s cool with that). Brandon Bolden plays his best game of the year.
VERDICT: Brady. Belichick. The Chiefs make a game of it but when the final drive comes around, Alex Smith can’t stretch the field and the Chiefs come up short. Brady will not be denied.
PATRIOTS 31 CHIEFS 26
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